« luglio 2007 | Principale | settembre 2007 »
"Forget love... I'd rather fall in chocolate!" ~ Author Unknown
I myself, am not much of a chocolate person. I'd rather have caramel, or cheesecake. RJ is the same. But we are an anomaly in this house. From my husband, to my nephew Adin. Chocolate is a hit. Here's a picture of my love, sharing his love, with the little cutie-love!
Have a sweet day, everyone!
Tell me and I'll forget. Show me and I'll remember. Involve me and I'll understand.
- Confucius
Last week (the week before?) I shared my email inbox joy with you all. Someone suggested that I might want to share the number of websites and blogs that I attempt ("attempt" is the key word!) to keep up on a regular basis, as well. Do you really want to know? Here goes!
On the website front, there is my first baby, the incredible site whose original design was flawlessly implemented several years ago by Julie O'Neil:
That site of course has so much content, it has branched off into several other sites ~ not the least of which is:
I also have a way outdated buy wonderful (certainly in intent) site for indie artists. This site will be moving to a once again active blog format in the coming weeks -
And eveyrone kept asking me about my own personal website. Oh right. A personal website. Ok, so I have one of those too:
But why tinker endlessly with websites, when you can have daily blogs to attend to also? Let's not forget my personal blogs. The main one (ie: You Are Here Now) -
And then my writing blog, because I like to ramble on and on:
And my doll blog, because I needed a hobby (ha!):
http://www.LittleDollWorld.com
And then, there is the Pacific Coast Mestieri (formerly the Pleasanton Craft Mafia blog):
Oh hey, that reminds me! I handle that website, too!
Phew! Ok, let's see. Now, on the ZNE front... We can't forget the ZNE newsletter blog:
And let's not forget our ZNE question and answer blog - Missy ZNE:
http://chelise.typepad.com/ask_missy_zne/
And then, the blog that features our incredible members -
And speaking of fabulous members, there is a blog to promote all the incredible ZNE members who sell on etsy:
And we can't forget about our Design Team:
And, all ready to go as we begin to organize, coordinate and plan the first comprehensive ZNE Convention - there is the Convenzione website:
http://chelise.typepad.com/convenzione/
And of course, we altered artists get hungry - so let's not forget about the ZNE Recipez blog:
http://chelise.typepad.com/zne_recipez/
Oh goodness, we certainly can't forget about the ZNE blog, about ZNEers who blog!
And now we move on to some of our really extraordinary ZNE philanthropic effort blogs. There is our Book Club which benefits Bernie Berlin's A Place to Bark:
And our new and ambitious memorial project - Hope Sees a Star:
And in the time it has taken me, just to list all the blogs and websites that I keep up, at least 250+ new emails have hit my in-boxes, and half those blogs and sites above need to be updated - so - I'll end this post here - and get back to work!
(I don't know if you were counting, but if you were ~ that's right folks, that's 19 sites I am responsible for. I think I need to add one more, to make it an even 20!)
See you in cyberspace. You can find me somewhere, up there!
The pathology report is back. The dermatofibromo (fibrous tumor) removed from my thigh is officially benign.
No Cancer! AND, better yet, I think I have had every lump bump and strange symptom checked, rechecked, removed and analyzed now. This means - I get a break from the endless round of doctors appointments, at least for a while. (Keeping my fingers crossed that writing that down doesn't mean that I have just jinxed myself and that I don't trip over my doggies and break my leg when I get up from the computer. Ha!)
I am NOT a good patient, I get nervous and fear the worse, and I don't really like going to the doctor AT ALL - so this is just wonderful news. HOORAY!
Now, on to the mundane ~ I am however a bit annoyed, as I am in the process of switching from DSL to digital cable internet access, and no sooner did my DSL get switched off, than my digital cable box stopped receiving signal from the cable company.
Meaning: No internet access for me. Right now I am working from my husband's home work computer (he uses a different internet account with different access than I do) but he will be booting me off for the day soon.
After an hour or so monkeying around with the cable box on the phone with the cable people yesterday ("Unplug it. Turn it off. Plug it back in. Turn it back on." over and over and over again! AAAAAHHH!) They finally agreed to send someone out today. They said this morning, so I am hoping that means before 6 p.m. Ha. hahahaha.
Sigh.
Ah well, in the real world - all news is good, children are safe and happy having survived and thrived their first day of school, and I move forward, if not a bit flustered, certainly, healthy, happy, and feeling blessed by it all.
Have a great day everyone!
Well, I can't start this post without noting that it was my kids' first day of school today. My husband was off to the middle school with Abbey who starts 7th grade today (oh, the trouble I was getting into in 7th grade. I shudder to think) and my own son started fifth grade.
It was difficult to get a picture of him. He was a moving target, but somehow I managed to grab this shot as he headed into class.
I can still remember his first day of kindergarten. Granted, it was only six years ago, but still. I remember how brave he was, and that I was the one about to burst into tears. I remember wanting only the best for him. A kind teacher, a supportive group of peers, a challenging and fulfilling learning environment. So much, so little, the same that all parents want for their children. Brave little souls marching off for a day of learning and friendship.
Last year was particularly hard, and yet galvonizing for RJ and his peers. Just about a month into the school year, a classmate and friend of RJ's was killed, when he was hit by a car while riding his bike in our neighborhood.
RJ wept and woke up in the middle of the night several times, asking "why did Shawn have to die?" Balancing the answer, the delicate and agonizing place between ~ the reality of the cycles of life, and the fact that it wasn't fair and it was heartbreaking - was a constant challenge. I too, for weeks after that, couldn't sleep. Thoughts of Shawn on the playground playing with my son, his last moments, his mother and father, it was overwhelming. Empathy and compassion are so necessary to the human condition, and yet - can be so painful too.
RJ's class grew close and gained more maturity during those months and that year, than words can express. Nearly the whole class (and our whole town in fact) showed up for Shawn's memorial service. My son, and several other boys in the class, dressed in suits and ties - left their parents' side, and marched stoicly to the front of the church, where they stood together, side by side - to listen to the service and pay respect to their friend.
Every year, I wish for everything good, and much growth for my children as they march off to school. This year, I hope for a little less intensity and a bit more joy. I imagine that Shawn's angel will be on that playground still, playing along and laughing with his friends. Whether or not that is true, it brings me comfort, and for today - that is enough.
Before I bring this post to a close, I really wanted to acknowledge a dear artist friend and ZNE member who sent me a package that arrived yesterday, with incredible timing.
The fabulous Lennea Truesdell of Once Upon a Cottage, sent me these goodies:
The artwork on the left is a piece she designed as part of a ZNE Design Team challenge. It incorporates an image from a photo I took several years ago (the open window) so it has a special place in my heart. Soon, this wonderful piece will have a special place on my wall too!
I also love the cupcake art journal. It is blank inside, and so I will use it as my drawing journal, once the one I am using is all filled up. But the best, with perfect timing - was the content of the small bag on the right. Lennea really went all out to ensure that I had a leg up on the doctor's appointment I have today to get my stitches removed and find out the pathology reports from the tumor on my thigh. Check it out!
I am wearing it today, as you can see. It is a tiny little vintage doll leg. It is too wonderful for words!
Even the hypochondriac in me is soothed. If they slip with the scissors while snipping the stitches today, and by accident amputate my leg (what? it could happen!) it will all be ok, after all - I have a spare leg around my neck.
Thank you Lennea. You are wonderful.
Wishing everyone all the best, and all good news today.
xoxo - Chel
I love the fact that when I start a new entry in this blog, I click on a link that says:" "Begin a new post." That is like the story of my life, this month.
I am literally consumed lately with all the apologies I have to issue and notes and emails and packages I have to get out the door, because of the last couple months of one-thing-after another, the worst of which was this kaboom-like depression that I would like to say came out of nowhere. Honestly, the past six weeks or so, were a complete blur. Days blended into weeks, and I relied a lot on my incredibly patient and loving husband and my best friends to remind me what day it was, and what my focus needed to be. (Ha! Unilaterally, the answer was: "It doesn't matter what day it is hon, stop worrying about email, work and the phone, your focus needs to be yourself, your kids, and family. Pretty much in that order.")
They were right. But, as of the last ten days, my mood has picked up and I have begun to "come around." A flurry of business activity here locally, and some incredible quality time with my kids before they returned to school has helped more than words can say.
And now, here I am a deep breath in, and ... where were we?
YIKES!
Tomorrow I get the results of the second biopsy in as many months, I have flubbed more swaps and round robins than I can honestly count on one hand and need to go in figure out how to make amends all around, and not only are my standard "always backed up inboxes" more backed up than usual, but those few things I had a handle on are confused and confuddled.
And yet, here we go. Such is life. Welcome back. If I didn't die of depression last month, I most certainly won't die of boredom this month. All that being said, as I collect, cultivate and toss out mea culpas left and right ~ I want to leave you with an Open Letter I wrote a few days ago, when I realized the magnitude of my task.
August, 2007
An open letter to those who understand mental illness, and those who don’t:
I am starting to feel better. I know this, because I am not so anxious. I still owe 100 apologies and things are backed up and back logged and confused and overdrawn, but I can begin to tackle the mountain of “I am behind” without the crippling anxiety I was experiencing.
I am starting to feel better. I know this because I am awake and lucid and can remember yesterday and know too that school starts for my children next week and I don’t need meds to get through the day without contemplating death or how worthless I am.
I am starting to feel better. I know this, because when I type “contemplating death or how worthless I am”—I cringe inside, because I know that these thoughts do not belong to me, they belong to my illness, and I wish, oh how I wish, my illness would go away, and stay away.
For those of you who understand, you know this already. For those of you don’t understand, all I can do is hope that my words have an impact, and that you will consider them with new eyes:
My illness does have physical ramifications, it is primarily mental and emotional in nature. This disease is hereditary. My mother died from mental illness and that intermingled with the undeniable fact that I am similarly afflicted breaks my heart for myself, my family, and my children, a thousand times over. My mother’s disease went untreated, but mine does not. This brings me some comfort. Treatment, especially now (unlike when my mother was my age) offers an amazing amount of hope.
My particular illness is severe. It is chronic, but not constant. I have months and sometimes (more recently) years of relief in between episodes. Treatment has given me and my family these gifts of lengthy interludes between flare ups. When I am in the middle of a depression, however, it nearly always starts out the same - in this sense: I don't want to admit it. I don't want to accept it. A combination of pride and denial conflict with responsible actions such admitting that there are commitments I will not be able to keep.
I don't care whether you have a cold, a broken bone, or are severely depressed - most of us do not want it to be happening, and then - we don't want to admit that the situation will impact our productivity or reliability. Certainly, I am that way.
Here, in the aforementioned area - I need a great deal of growth, and will aspire to get there. The only way I can think to start is admit right now, that it is true. Many things have fallen through the cracks, and my responsibility was to admit my incapacity before it affected others, and I did not handle that well. I am particularly saddened by the way that my actions have impacted Altered Art Obsession, and Paper Whimsy. Two incredible art groups that have graciously allowed me to participate in art swaps and round robins with other incredible artists, and whose members have had to pick up the pieces I dropped, because I didn't head off the issue at the pass.
My disease requires physical and emotional therapy. I am not required to walk a certain number of steps a day or squeeze an exercise ball., but instead my job is to issue explanations, and apologies, and to figure out how to take responsibility and be forgiving of myself, in equal measure. There is pain and frustration involved in my physical therapy, and I often want to give up. My pain does not resemble that of a muscle or bone coming slowly back to life, the ache and burn of torn ligaments encouraged to act anew. My pain is identical to the gut wrenching, self defeating place we call shame. My job, in physical therapy, is to walk through the shame, communicate and fix what I can—and put enough faith in myself and others to believe that I can back to where I was or even find a better place.
The largest misconception about mental illness, is this: That the person suffering can change it, turn it around, or banish the illness—through strong moral character or a shift in thinking. The only shift in thinking that has ever had a significant impact on my illness was the endless journey (which I still walk) towards ~ “I deserve to be alive.” Those of us born with this disease begin to feel that we are born with and at—a deficit. For over twenty years I believed I had to work harder, be a better person, look prettier, give more, do more, and—in general—be a different person—in order to deserve love, and happiness.
As many decades of therapy, fervant prayer, recovery programs, and few crisis oriented hospitalizations, a medication merryground that finally proved effective, and here I sit. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Still breathing.
A thousand apologies to go - and for those of you who "get it" and to those of you don't, but are willing to give the disease of mental illness your consideration - thank you for reading this, and thank you - for your understanding.
xo - Chel
PS - Here are some places you can learn more:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/default.aspx
Here's what is going on at The ZNE Studios this weekend. If you are in California - stop by! Free admission, door prizes, refreshments, and tons of art, jewelry, toys, fashion, and MORE!
And - woo hoo! Another award! My wonderful friend Miss Kat - and the fabulous Sue Wickham, were way too kind, when they mentioned moi for the Nice Matters award:
Thank you Kat and Sue! That was awfully nice of you both!
So, as many have said - all this narrowing down to pick winners is near impossible, but here are some super nice sweeties - some of whom have probably been nominated before:
: D
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library? ~Lily Tomlin
I think my husband is getting really desperate for me to cheer up once and for all.
Yesterday, he sent me off to a lovely salon to "do something fun" with my hair.
They accomodated me by putting my little stitched up leg on an ottoman while they cut, colored, bleached, colored, and colored again - my drab hair.
I took that picture on the top in the morning before the "mane" event. You can see my new bangs in the picture under "BETTER" - but I really love that shot of the top of my head, after the cut and color. What fun!
I am not so silly as to think that a fun hair cut will chase away the blues, but I will admit this - having hair stylists fawn all over you and coming away with a fun new look sure doesn't hurt. : D
Neither does this -
The fabulous Teresa over at Cedar Junction nominated me as a Rockin' Girl Blogger. She must of heard about my fabulous hair plans. Ha!
![[rgb[1].jpg]](http://bp1.blogger.com/_5NC1CO4lZi0/RsyOdNl3yCI/AAAAAAAAABY/OW8pL7NdlaU/s1600/rgb%5B1%5D.jpg)
Thanks Teresa! You ROCK too!
Oooh! I just realized that the most wonderful Laurie Blau Marshall ALSO nominated me. WOWEE. I'm a lucky girl!
- YOU ROCK TOO!!!
I think I am supposed to spread the award around - so here goes:
Barbe St. John ~ Because it is the least I can do after walking into a hair salon and saying: Give me that fabulous Barbe St. John hair, please!
Susan Tuttle - Watch out for drool on your keyboard. Delicious artistic eye candy.
TiffanyJane Marshall - Because I'd walk a thousand miles beyond the vintage path, if it meant I'd end up beside my friend Tiffany.
Kris Hubick - Because I'd like to have a cup of coffee at the Retro Cafe, every day!
Izabella - Because she is home. Hooray!
Keep rockin' girls. :D
xo - Chel
Well, I haven't written a lot about this - because frankly, with everything going on lately, exactly how much can one girl worry about - or expect others to worry about on her behalf - ?
WARNING: Yucky gross picture to follow ~ put down your snack if you are in the middle of eating. :D Or, move on to another post.
That being said - as I alluded to a few months ago, I've had a lump on my leg for months now. Yesterday was my appointment for minor (meeny minor moe) surgery to go in and remove the lump. (It was not a lovely lady lump!)
In truth, the worse parts were the injections of the locals to numb it up. Isn't that always so ironic? There was a bit of digging and scooping, and in the end, the doctor stitched it up without being sure she got the entire tumor out. "We'll wait for biopsy results to decide if we need to go back in."
Biopsy results will come in about a week. Chances are high, again - that it is a benign tumor. I really wanted to avoid this procedure entirely, given the stress of the recent breast cancer scare, but once my doctors realized that the bump on my leg was a tumor and not a cyst or whatever, they said I didn't really have much of a choice in the matter - it is important to rule out cancer, when tumors are present.
Sigh.
Honestly. Now, that little lump is gone, and has been replaced with this yucky sight. That's my inner right thigh. You can see I am being a bit of a baby about all this. It's not like my leg was nearly amputated. There were a couple stitches on the inside and three of the more unsightly ones on the outside. I was suprised at how much bleeding occurred, but I'd had a migraine the day before and apparently all that pain reliever I took does no favors for blood clotting. I'm a bad patient. Sigh.
I wish good health, much happiness, and wonderful week to everyone!
xo - Chel
This is a picture of my two little Madame Alexander dolls in their bunk bed. I bought the vintage hand made bunk bed and bedroom set on eBay (months ago) and it really is the perfect little room for these girls. They each have their own dressing table and chair. I also really love Fluffer and Butter, their two little scotties.
I have been having so much fun tinkering with my dolls recently.
Two bookshelves in the family room have become dollhouses, and I am working on an actual dollhouse for my smaller dolls. When that one is finished, I will begin constructing a dollhouse from a kit, for my kewpies.
This has been a fascination and love since I was a child. I loved contsructing tiny worlds, and playing with dolls. I loved how safe I could keep my dolls, the fact that their lives were contained within the parameters of a joyful imagination.
Real life - with its ups and downs and sadness and grief (albeit, joy and so much happiness too!) is not the same. No such control exists, and joyful imagination expands our experience, but does not offer containment.
Be that as it may, as I continue working to pull up the bootstraps of a lingering depression and get caught up on the miles of minutae that drive me batty every day ~ I work hard to ensure that a joyful imagination is present in all, and at every turn. It got me through my childhood, and I am blessed by it still.
xo - Chel
PS - Be sure and check out my doll blog to learn more about my love of dolls, my dollhouses (including a link to many more pics) and miniatures that make my heart go boom!
are felt with the heart and not seen with the eyes.
That being said, this is my birthday weekend (I'll be 40 - in two years from Sunday. !) and lots of nice prezzies have been arriving in the mail.
My husband allowed me to do a little indulgent shopping, and this picture really cracks me up. You can see a cute pink bustier top he bought me - ah how young! And my glasses which now have to be around my neck at all times - just in case I need to, you know, actually see something. Ah how old!
Then, I also must thank my wonderful friend Tiffany Jane Marshall. She sent me such a lovely package full of goodies, including cherry socks! And these fabulous strawberry earrings:
Tiffany has also celebrated a birthday recently - though if I recall correctly she is a few years younger than me - ? Maybe it is just her wonderful youthful spirit. Happy birthday Tiffany!
I know Tiffany has a year full of challenges and changes coming up, but I also know that SHE knows that she is well loved by so many people, and that dreams coming true sometimes follow the most circuitous routes. I dream all good things for you, my sweet friend Tiffany.
And finally, the wonderful Cinda Oliverio heard it through the grapevine that I have been dealing with some depression issues. (They are lifting - but it is always a long journey.) Cinda sent me the most lovely little package of art cards. I can't even tell you how much they lifted my spirit. You are in my heart, dear Cinda!
Thank you!
I hope everyone reading this has a great weekend!
xo - Chel
Twenty of these little "skinny book" pages have been sent off to the fabulous Amy Smith, for her Bird themed skinny book.
It is hard to see in this picture, but the tiny vintage birdy sits upon a blue feather charm on a tiny white and irridescent nest.
I love that Leonardo DaVinci quote.
Some of us have only tasted flight in our dreams, but still - we walk around with eyes turned skyward.
May you find beauty wherever your eyes turn today!
xo - Chel
Sometimes the most urgent thing you can possibly do is take a complete rest.
My sweet B-Muse (thank you Vickie! Have I said that lately?) demonstrating how to take it easy, on my bed. :D
Have a great Tuesday everyone!
Friendship is the golden thread that ties the heart of all the world.-- John Evelyn
Well, this weekend was EXACTLY what I wanted, though I hemmed and hawed the entire time. I didn't want to go. I wouldn't be any fun. I was too tired. I had too much to do. Yadda yadda.
I can't put it into words - the gift that this past weekend presented to me. Let me just say that sometimes the reminder of how beautiful it is that others walk in when even you feel like walking out - and that friends and family are really the only thing needed, whether your woes are physical, spiritual - or emotional - was indeed perfect.
My friend Jenna and I have been friends for over 20 years, and her husband Randy is so wonderful - again - no words will do him justice. They adore my son as if he were family, and of course - we all are.
So, enough with all the words! ere are some pictures from this past weekend. They tell a better story:
(My feet!)
My boy!
Happy Monday everyone!
Pull those golden threads tight. The heart of the world could use a good tug every now and then.
xo - Chel
Well, my best friend Jenna and her husband are dragging me out of the house for the weekend to spend some time in Twain Harte, California - where they have a cabin. RJ is coming too so it will be fun, spending some easy time together. No computer, no emails, no piles of mail.
Apparently you can take a virtual walk down down in Twain Harte - here:
http://www.twainhartevisitor.com/
But the real thing that is cheering me up today is the fact that this musician I've never even heard of before (hello!) name "Mika" was on Good Morning America this morning - and he performed live this great song which I think will be my new theme song. Ha!
Have a great weekend everyone!
xo - Chel
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. - George Bernard Shaw
So, I've mentioned that my husband has insisted that we turn the ringers off our phones right now. The kids know how to get ahold of us via his cell phone. Other than that, I am supposed to mainly be taking it easy and "catching up."
Hahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha.
Catching up on say, my email, is and has been a laughing matter for well over a year. I have more email accounts and addresses than you could count - a part of my endless struggle to separate out the urgent email stuff from the "it can wait."
Yesterday I was in my office making that McCauley Caulkin face from Home Alone, whilst reviewing my email accounts. You know the face:
And my DH suggested that I provide a tour of my email account in-boxes for everyone who has written me an email saying: "Why are you ignoring my emails?"
(This much is true, I am slower than usual lately, I am struggling to prioritize - and I am behind in reading and replying to emails. However, I promise I am NOT ignoring anyone!)
And, before we get to the good stuff - let me say this:
When I get the blues, I isolate. I've said it before, and everyone who knows me really well knows that this is true. I have a really hard time reaching out to people and I start to worry that no one really cares about me. (It's the anxiety stuff.) That being said - many of the emails and the comments being left on my blog are literally saving graces for me. Notes of concern, care, or just business as usual communication means so much to me right now. And for those who are sending me the "What/Where ARE you? Get your act together!" emails - I assure you - I am working on it.
In any case, keep the notes coming. I thank you all for reminding me that you are there, that I count, and that you care. : D Friends near and far are life's greatest treasures and a big part of the miracle that gets me from day to day.
PHEW! Ok - now, welcome to a few of Chelise's emails accounts, on any given day:
This is the ZNEart.com account main home.The one I have to try to keep up with every day because it contains the bulk of my business emails. So, for example, this account only has 2,128 unread emails right now.
Now, we move on to the other business account I opened for ZNE - for marketing purposes and the ZNE Talk group, too:
That one only has 2,015 unread emails. Oh good. Maybe in a month or two I can read and reply to all of them. If I ignore absolutely everything else going on in my life...
But wait - that's not all. Don't forget my main art/contact/eBay/etsy etc. email address. LOTS of critical stuff in that one. Here's a snapshot:
That's right. And let me reassure you - with the exception of the pink background and the obvious comments - I have not photoshopped or changed a single number or character in those inboxes. So, you got that? My main yahoo account email inbox has 32,525 UNREAD emails!
Now, it would be awfully nice to say: So, I am going to go and read all these emails in all these accounts, and reply to them all. I will back in two and a half years, but at least I'll be all caught up.
BUT NO. I AM NOT FINISHED YET. You see, I had to have a separate account for friends, family, school related and personal stuff. You know, to keep track. So here it is - this isn't even the last of my email accounts, but I'll leave this one as the last one I'll share with you today - my personal yahoo account:
Yep. There it is. OVER 30,000 emails from friends and family waiting to hear back from me...
Remember now, I am not counting any of my opened urgent emails - just the ones I haven't even been able to read yet.
Let's recap. In just the 4 accounts shown, that is:
67,414 unread emails.
And, in the time it has taken to compose this email -It is fairly likely that at least 200 (no kidding) additional emails have come in, spread amongst my accounts.
NOW, everyone needs some anxiety meds - eh? Not just me!
My husband says I should delete them all, and start from scratch. I wouldn't dare. I am TRYING to catch up, and when a truly enraged "WHY AREN'T YOU REPLYING TO MY EMAILS!?" comes in, I like to be able to do a search so that at least I can figure out what they are/were talking about.
Several people have suggested that I use an auto-reply on all my accounts. But what would it say? "Your email, which is one of 2,000 that arrived today - is very important to me - so important in fact, I just may read it in a few weeks." Well, obviously that is a facitious response, but - in truth - it is difficult for me to figure out how to word an email so that it does the job, but doesn't sound that callous.
In truth - every email is important to me. I do try my best to keep up with those that seem time sensitive and urgent, but many fall through the cracks. I desperately need an assistant - but can't affort one right now. Perhaps in a couple years, but not yet.
What I really hope for, in my heart of hearts - is that others will understand that I am not ignoring them, that their communication DOES mean a great deal to me, that I want it to keep coming, in fact - in terms of ZNE and how to make it a better group, and my friends, and messages of support, etc. - I want MORE - not less.
And, perhaps - for those who think I am ignoring them - to not be quite so grumpy about it.
Happy Wednesday everyone!
It's back to the grind, for me.
xo - Chel
PS - leave me a comment or send me an email. Really. It does make my heart happy.
~So hold her closer when she cries, hold her closer when she feels. She needs a hand to hold, someone who will never let her go again. And hold him closer when he tries to hold the tears back from his eyes. Don't say goodbye.~ Blessed Union of Souls
Well, I have finally and literally weeks late, gotten this box of incredible round robin dolls out the door. I have really held up this swap - and feel terribly about it. I added the tear to the doll at left, with a note that she was crying because she knew how many people were worried about her.
I had these dolls all ready to go out the door over a week ago, packed up and everything - and then, while unpacking my new office - I found the most adorable little birds next. I realized that it was originally attached to the head of the doll above. Oh no! (I mean to say, the last artist had attached it to the head - not me - and it had come loose, and here I was prepping the doll to send it off without it!
The dolls (there are three of them now, one after another that I have recieved and not sent off in time!) were set aside so that I could open the package, re-affix the birds nest hat, and...
Well. So it goes. Days are turning into weeks for me, and once I was lucid and together enough to actually open the package and re-affix the nest, I added the tear too.
Here are the three dolls I worked on, which were finally sent out today - all the pictures were taken in my studio:
All of these dolls are part of a wonderful Paper Whimsy Yahoo Group round robin.
My son RJ became a little jealous of all the art dolls I was working on that he couldn't touch (!) - so I made one for him, using his toys. He liked it. Though, something strange happened to the coloring in this picture. I assure you - RJ is not jaundiced! Ha.
Have a great Monday everyone. I am still way way way behind in emails (I am just trying desperately to catch up on reading the subject lines. Actually opening them will have to wait for another day!) And the phones are turned off. Oh, I mean to say - the ringers are turned off. That is sort of at my husband's request. He thinks I should just go away for three days and come back and be fine. I mean he won't say that outloud, but I can tell. He is annoyed when I am on the computer, he is annoyed when I am prepping shipments to go out, he is annoyed when I am doing anything that doesn't speak of: "Wow- I am ALL cheered up now!" Sometimes I wish he would get some individual counseling to deal with his own issue around my anxiety and depression. I don't want to make light of it. It is HARD on the entire family when I am not my usual self.
In two weeks I'll be 38. When my mother was 38 years old, I was 16 - and I was moving out of our house to live on my own. She didn't ask me to stay. She didn't express a lot of concern one way or the other. She was so so sick, and I really just had to get away.
I left school. This has long been a debate among people I know. How did this happen? I am a fall through the cracks girl - that's how. I went to my counselor, told him that I needed to work during the day and couldn't go to school anymore. He told me I was too young to "drop out" - that it was against the law.
I went to the school superintendent, and told him the same thing. I was moving out to live on my own. That this was ok with my parents. I needed to leave school because I needed the time to work, you know, so that I could pay rent.
There was hemming and hawing. Maybe I should try the remedial high school that had more flexible hours so that at least I could graduate. I actually tried that for a few weeks. but I was not a remedial student. I sat in those classes where they were still working with kids that couldn't read, and all I could think was that I could be "out" doing anything else.
In the end, my parents signed some kind of papers saying it was ok with them for me to drop out. I took a GED class, passed, and was done with. That was twenty years ago.
It seems that lately, I am consumed with thoughts of my mother, and who she was at this age, that I am turning. When she was my age - she had 16 years left to live. She was very sick, afraid to leave the house at all, scared to leave her room, her son was gone. (He was literally "gone" having run away from home two years earlier. We didn't know where he was. At that time - I thought perhaps he wasn't alive anymore.) And, her daughter (me) was on her way out too.
The immediate years that followed were so painful and scary and lonely for me - I was really afraid, so much of the time - and almost all of my behavior was driven by desperation.
Every single thing in my life today is different, better, and a miracle. Every day is a gift and a blessing and I know it.
Now, it is few and far between - but when the saddness comes, it settles in my bones - it swims in my soul - searching for a resting place - in a heart that does not want to bid it welcome.
Sitting with sadness is near impossible for me. Instead, I sit precariously close to the edge of breakdown. Sigh. I've written a lot here. Thank you so much to all of you who are leaving comments, and understand. It really does touch my heart and softens that place for the sadness to land, and perhaps - take flight and move on, again.
xo - Chel
(You know how this goes. What does this image conjure in you? Do you have a response piece of artwork? A poem, story, or quote?)
If so, post it on your blog sometime this week! Link to this post, and leave us a comment on www.ZNEblogz.com letting us know you are playing along with See It Say It Saturday!
If you want a banner for your side bar or post - here is one you can use!
In any case, it is late, and I am tired. My son dragged me along to see the Simpsons movie with him tonight, and it truly sucked the life out of me. I hope one day he'll think back to moments like these and think - WOW! My mom really loved me.
Speaking of loving our children, and See It Say It Saturday - here is my official response to the artwork above:
On Friday I had lunch with the absolutely incredible Iva Wilcox. Iva's daughter Brianna died in June from complications related to a very rare disease - MDS. I found Iva to be beautiful, down to earth, and incredibly inspirational and strong - given all that she is dealing with right now.
More on that later. I really don't have the time or words for it all right now. But, I made a comment to Iva at lunch - about one of my favorite quotes - and Margaret's glass ATC above, reminds me of the same. I don't know who this quote is by, and I can never remember it verbatim. None the less - it is one of the most spot on statements about being a mother that I have ever heard:
To have a child, is to have a little piece of your heart running around outside of you, forever.
Hug your children, have a great weekend - and those of you who are moved to do so - anytime this week - add your responses to See It Say It Saturday and let us know on ZNE Blogz!
PS - I am so so behind in phone calls and emails. It is very difficult for me to keep track of when, what, and where right now. Ugh! I am really just tyring to take care of loose ends here, get ready for some workshops and sales at the end of the month, and other than that, focus on my family and my own health. I am doing better. Just really tired, and really behind. I'll write more soon.
"I get by with a little help from my friends."
- John Lennon
Isn't that card gorgeous? My wonderful sweet friend Zorana sent it to me. I mean, she made it especially for me. She is such a talented and generous person. I really don't like the idea that anyone might be worried about me (I'm fine. Really. Yadda yadda.) But this little suprize in the mail really cheered me up.
My love of cherries is well known. I tend to like red, and kitschy stuff - so most things with a cherry motif really appeal to me. I have cherry clothes, cherry jewelry, cherry art, and lots of cherry stuff in my kitchen. I even have a cherry tattoo!
One of the things that I find amazing about artists - along with their generosity of spirit and concern for others, is the synchronicity of inspiration with which they work.
Last December a lovely woman name Patricia Wilson (myjoytogive) attended the Pleasanton Craft Mafia Trunk Show at my home and has since joined ZNE and regularly attends the monthly Altered Everything ~ Everything Altered workshops I teach. A few months ago, she brought me an ATC as a gift. Check it out:
The fact that both Zo's card and Pat's card are cherry themed would not be such a great coincidence, given my well known love for cherries. However, what really amazes me is that both of these cards have exquisite sewn borders and detailing.
By visual inspection, it appears that Zo's card has been sewn with a machine. Either that or she has the smallest whip stitch I have ever seen.
From talking to Pat, as I understand it - her card is hand sewn. In any case, both of these cards are delightful - sit upon my new desk here in my new room - and are bringing me great joy, and comfort.
THANK YOU ZO AND PATRICIA!
Today, my son comes for a few days - and that always lifts some weight from my heart. I've said it before and I don't believe I can say it enough - the hardest part of a divorce when children are involved, and you are a mother - is being seperated from your child. Even when you know his father is a good father, and that his relationship with his father is integral to his well being. Something in the maternal beat of a mother's heart is broken forever by the regular separation. It will be good to have my beloved son home.
I go back to the Doctor again today. I am starting to feel a little better, but "anxious" about going off the extra anxiety meds. Ha! How is that for irony?
Finally, this afternoon I will be meeting with Iva Wilcox, Brianna's mother. This will be the first time I have met her in person. I am both pleased, honored, excited, and overwhelmed with the amount of grief she must carry. Here, I complain about sharing custody of my son - and the grief that Iva carries will never be eased by the regular return of her dearly beloved child. Oh sigh. Perhaps in her dreams. Memories must bring bittersweet relief.
I like to think that in the golden silence between the dream and waking, our angels kiss us good morning and ready us for the day.
I am so thankful for all of my angels - living, and those that have passed on.
xo - Chel
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