Ange Passe

I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us. - Anne Lamott

 

Welome back to the world.  I miss you when I am lost.

I've been here of course - but mostly blind and deaf, and certainly mute.

I've written about this before.  So much so, and so close to home is the issue for me right now, I don't really care to write at length about it at present.  I can at least explain why I don't want to expound on the darkness.  It is embarrassing.  It is overwhelming.  It is self perpetuating.  And, so much more than any of the former - the light is so much more beautiful than the dismal.  I'd rather write about light, any day.

When I rise, when it returns, that glorious magical light, I am astounded by its beauty.  When I was young and the darkness took over, I had no point of reference for the return.  Nothing to yearrn for.  No savior - life itself - to wait upon.  I remember the desolation.  My inner writsts and entire spirit is ravaged with scars and stories that tell the story.  But, decades later, I contain the most miraculous of all saving Graces.  Persepective.

My savior holds my hand when the mud comes.  Pushing through my veins.  I might wonder if can take in one more breath, and the whisper is before me.  I am waiting for you.

I am here.

Every new day, every ressurection is a miracle anew.

Silent at first, and then trimphantly loud, heralded in by the trumpets of angels.  LIfe begins again.

In french, there is an expression for the silence that fall between hearts and souls.  The sometimes awkward and sometimes unifying break in conversation.  Un Ange Passe.

An angel passes over.

Something startling happened to me this particular round.  My doctor suggested more medication.  For nearly a decade I have taken this advice and/or offered the suggestion myself.  I am an advocate for medication.  I do believe that the physiological causes of mental illness are both real and profound.

But this time something different happened.  I wanted to sit with my depression.  I wanted to sort out what could be worked through, worked out, and what just needed to be soothed.  I wanted to miss my mother.  I wanted to bear the unbearable burdon of raising a child in a world whose experience is laced with grief.

And here is where the light cracked through the darkness.  Here is where I could begin to reach out and get my fingers, wrap my hand, curl that wrist (with the very same scars) around the light.  What I was wanting, this time around - what jelled my circulation and slowed my life to a crawl - was me.

Sometimes, Grace carries with it joy.  Sometimes, Grace carries something far more tender and painful.  Still, the rescue is just the same. 

For all of you who who have endured the silence, waited patiently over the past few months, for all your notes, phone calls, and expressions of love and concern - thank you, and please forgive me.

Sometimes, we are caught without words, sometimes life slows down so that we can find the light, yet again.

When an angel passes over.

 

 

Comments

[Scritto da: Roni Seabury]

Hi Chel, love your tattoo. I got a new one too. I think I speak for everyone at ZNE, if there is anything we can do we are always there for you. I know to an extent where you are coming from and can understand most of what you are feeling. And for me, instead of more medication, I'm trying to wean myself off and see the world in another light.

[Scritto da: Donna Cook]

You would have loved our preacher's sermon today. The Three Wise People ( men) ...... followed the light, met the savior, then.....returned home, by a different road. I have never heard the Epiphany Sunday sermon focus on....returning home by a different road. Perhaps you took a different road to the light.Wellness at the end, but a different way to get there. I don't do the sermon justice.

Our prayers have been with you, knowing you were lost but trusting you would be found, feeling grief in not being able to fix it for you, knowing you must do it yourself. We love you, I love you, find the light, come back to us whole, embrace Grace.

Peace, Joy, Love, Grace
Donna

[Scritto da: JANN CLARK]

I love your new tat also, great coloring.
Depression isn't a easy thing to deal with. YOU hurt but you can't stop the feeling. I bet alot of us have gone down that same path at one time or another. I know when my Mom passed away in '93 I had a mini break down, I like to call it. It was so awful my melancholy, my blues , my losing her that I started having panic attacks. For a whole month I couldn't leave the house , I would try to go to the grocery store and couldn't get out of the car. Depression is hard to explain to someone who has never had to deal with. It sounds like you are doing the important things to deal with it. I think writing your feelings here and keeping a journal helps too ? I greatly admire that you share your depression with us, most people tend to hide their feelings on this. I guess you know Chel, soooooo many of us care and love you , I know I do. Trusting in God that He will bring you through this quickly, I think everything we do is for certain reasons. YOU will be stronger and perhaps help others learn what was valuable with what you went through. Sending loving thoughts and keeping you in my prayers.

[Scritto da: Kristin Hubick]

Hi Chel. Your words were beautiful and I'm glad you're feeling better. I LOVE your new Tat! I'm sure it goes nice with the ZNE tat. Did you have the same guy do it? Take care of yourself my dear!!!!
xoox,
Lil sis

[Scritto da: SueAnn]

Sweet Chel....you journey not alone as you well know. I too travel that same road and at times you think you are the only one traveling...but then you see many footsteps and you know this road is well traveled. Much love to you dear one and many prayers.
To a great and promising New Year
Hugs
SueAnn

[Scritto da: SueAnn]

Sweet Chel....you journey not alone as you well know. I too travel that same road and at times you think you are the only one traveling...but then you see many footsteps and you know this road is well traveled. Much love to you dear one and many prayers.
To a great and promising New Year
Hugs
SueAnn

[Scritto da: SueAnn]

Sweet Chel....you journey not alone as you well know. I too travel that same road and at times you think you are the only one traveling...but then you see many footsteps and you know this road is well traveled. Much love to you dear one and many prayers.
To a great and promising New Year
Hugs
SueAnn

[Scritto da: JoAnnA Pierotti]

Wow Chel, I had no idea. I've tried to call you for two months and could not figure out why you wouldn't call me back. Now I know. So sorry honey. I had left you a message tonight too. But I came to your blog and it makes sense now. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Heal my friend,
love,
mossy